Article III
Had they lived long enough to reach the age of accountability, how would cinema's other werewolves have handled their B'nai Mitzvah? The Journal has assigned each a Torah portion, reconstructed the speech, and — where possible — inferred the caterer.
Plate V · Comparative Anatomies of the Documented Lycanthrope
Pre-WWII European / American Gothic
Assigned Portion
Leviticus 19:19
"You shall not wear a garment of mixed fabrics…"
Speech Theme
“How do we reconcile our noble, aristocratic English heritage with the raw, hairy beast within? Also, my dad made me wear this suit, and it is incredibly itchy. I would like to thank the Romani travelers for the silver cane, which I will hopefully not be beaten to death with.”
1980s Secular American / Anglophile
Assigned Portion
Deuteronomy 21:22
"And if a man has committed a crime punishable by death and he is put to death, and you hang him on a tree…"
Speech Theme
“My Torah portion warns us about what happens when you stray from the designated road — specifically, the moors. I want to thank my best friend Jack, who is currently rotting in the back of the synagogue, for reminding us that family is everything, even when they tell you to commit suicide before the next full moon.”
Mid-80s Suburban High School
Assigned Portion
Genesis 25:25
"The first came out red, all his body like a hairy cloak; so they called his name Esau."
Speech Theme
“Like our ancestor Esau, I have been blessed with a highly visible, incredibly dense coat of body hair. But unlike Esau, who traded his birthright for stew, I traded mine to win a basketball championship in Beaver County. Today, I am a man. A man who can dunk without a trampoline.”
Late-90s British Boarding-School Magical Realism
Assigned Portion
Leviticus 13:2
"When a person has on the skin of his body a swelling or an eruption…"
Speech Theme
“My portion deals with leprosy and quarantine, which frankly hits a little close to home. I would like to thank my friends James, Sirius, and Peter for basically running wild with me when the moon is full, and I promise to never leave my potion bubbling in the staff room again.”
Turn-of-the-Millennium Canadian Suburban Body-Horror
Assigned Portion
Leviticus 15:19
"When a woman has a discharge, and the discharge in her body is blood…"
Speech Theme
“We are talking about blood, transformation, and the absolute horror of suburban transition. Today, I am a woman. But more importantly, I am a predator. I want to thank my sister for helping me bury the neighbor's dog.”
Early-2000s Neo-Gothic Class Struggle
Assigned Portion
Exodus 21:2
"If you buy a Hebrew servant, he shall serve six years…"
Speech Theme
“Our portion is about slavery and liberation. We spent centuries serving the vampire aristocracy, being forced to clean their gothic chandeliers. Today, we throw off the shackles. Please enjoy the brisket, but be careful — the forks are made of pewter because silver literally melts our internal organs.”